I wish that people would think about the responsibility of being a parent more than they do. Most people just do it, or wind up pregnant and then *deal* with the consequences (which is a story for another day). Which I don't understand! Do they not even consider or realize that they are bringing and an actual living, breathing person into the world? I mean it's not always going to be a cute little baby, it's going to be a grown ass person who THEY have the responsibility of raising to adulthood. It's hard being a parent, it's not all fun and games, it's not a fairy tale and your life does NOT go on as usual. It's amazing to me how many people think that once baby is here, life goes on as usual, they'll still be able to go out and do all the things they did before... But ya can't!
The more I think about it and the more I observe and learn about people the less I know and the less I understand about what actually motivates us to bring another person into the world! Whatever it is, I think I must have been born without it or lost it along the way somewhere.
There are so many situations I see people get themselves into that I can't imagine being in, let alone bringing another person that depends solely on me into the situation with me. It's one thing for an adult to get themselves into terrible situations, but children and babies have no choices in the matter, it's simply something they are born into, good or bad.
I guess what amazes me most about *most* people with kids is how little thought goes into WHY they want to have a child! People are more than willing to jump my ass first thing when they find out I don't want children and ask me WHY don't you want them? Well there's lots of reasons I don't want them and I won't get into that, so I just turn it around and say why do you want to have them? LOL You can just imagine the looks I cause by doing this... Seriously though I can come up with like 10 reasons to not have them without even putting any true thought into it!
Maybe I'm a cynic, maybe I'm a mean spirited bitch, or maybe I'm just able to use some deductive reasoning skills in ways others aren't able to but I feel that at least 50% of people shouldn't breed!!
I woke up this morning knowing it was going to be one of those days. Three years ago today my dad passed away, and any day that has a memory like that attached to it simply cannot be a great day. I was hoping that time would heal all wounds, but it hasn't happened yet. Maybe enough time hasn't passed, yet somehow I can't see the pain ever completely going away. Some days are definitely better than others, and overall the pain has lessened. I just don't think there will ever be a day that goes by that I don't think about the loss of my parents in some way, shape or form. You never get over it, you just learn to live with it.
I just wanted to show some love for Ina Garten and her husband Jeffrey from Barefoot Contessa on the Food Network. It's so great to see a childfree couple married for 40 years so much in love. I love that they're on tv, they just make me smile so much!! Just makes me feel like there should be more couples on tv and in my day to day life for that matter that are madly in love and have no desire to make babies. I'm lucky enough that two of my best friends in the world and their husbands are childfree, but in general I feel like there should be more people who aren't baby crazy!!
I've recently had an experience with an old friend that I wanted to write down, just to get my head around. I have known this girl since I was born practically. Our parents were friends, and so it was a pleasant surprise when she recently found me on myspace. So after a few messages back and forth she asked how my parents were and I told her that my parents had both passed away. Well, she never responded, and that was about a week and a half ago.
I know that some people are unsure of how to react or respond to that sort of news. But they passed away 2 and 3 yrs ago. I'm not over it by any means, but I am in a better place about it than I was at that time. It just bothers me that she hasn't responded to this in anyway, shape or form. I just think it's rude. Maybe I'm making something out of nothing, but it's on my list of gripes for the day. lol So there it is. Just needed to write this down in order to make me feel better about this, but it really does.
I've been thinkings a lot lately about spirits, ghosts, souls, life after death and things of that nature. This really all began on Monday when I was reading a post in the childfree forum regarding the souls/spirits of aborted, miscarried or stillborn children's souls coming back into their parents lives in another form or fashion. As in if a mother miscarries a child that the soul of that child is next in line for the next available body in the mother's family, either being born into another child she has or as a member of her family. I can see how this could really be a comforting feeling to those who have maybe lost a child that they've really wanted before they were born or to those who have had abortions and may be experiencing guilt. It just made me begin to think about whether or not death is really an end in these cases, or if a soul is meant to be born that it will find a way.
It also got me to thinking about spirits and souls of those people who have lived and had a full life and whether or not they hang around or linger in any way, shape or form. Shortly after my dad passed away in 2006, I had an experience with my mom who passed away in 2005 that made me think that souls of the deceased do have a way of connecting with the living after they're gone. I was at home alone and the phone rang, and I went to answer it and as I went toward the living room I saw my mom standing there, and picked up the phone no one was there. At the time I thought maybe in my grief I was delusional. But after a couple weeks my niece Julie mentioned to me that she had having issues with her phone ringing with no one there and that around the same time as me she'd had an episode where she'd seen mom standing in the doorway wearing this butterfly nightgown she used to wear. The odd thing is, she described the experience I'd had to the last detail. I honestly think that she was contacting us, checking on us to make sure we were okay and to let us know that she and dad were together and that everything would be fine. I find it so comforting that she waited until after dad passed away, I suppose in her own way she figured I was okay when he was there with me, but when he passed to she had to let me know that things were okay.
Having been raised up in a baptist church for most of my life there are a lot of beliefs that my mom had that I'm not so sure I still believe in. I carry those teachings with me, but I'm finally at a point where I'm able to seperate my beliefs from those of my family and honestly at times I'm not so sure what I believe these days. I'm not really sure where I stand exactly with religion, but I do believe that things happen for a reason and that we're here for a purpose, and I guess thats about all I have for now.
Dear God. I've had a totally craptastic day today. Work was so busy, and I've felt horrible. I'm thankful to have a good job, but some days I'd rather just stay home and sleep all day. I am getting really tired of feeling badly all the time, and really ready for my doctor to figure out whats going on with me, good or bad.
I made the decision today that I'm going with a friend from work to Curves on Friday to see if I like it or not. I really need to start exercising and getting healthier and now seems as good a time as ever, considering that I've just been put on blood pressure medication now seems like a good time.
I wish that I'd actually accomplished something at work today other than answering the phone constantly. I'm so behind because I'm doing so many things, and really I wouldn't mind because I like to stay busy... but my boss keeps adding things for me to do because we're very short handed, and its getting to a point now that its taking over and I'm getting less and less of my actual job done, and it really bothers me. I'm trying my best though to not get stressed out. I feel like I'm doing a good job of it too, I'm trying to just go with the flow more and let less bother me if at all possible... Hard to do in a high stress job, but here's to trying...
I've spent a lot of years worrying and dealing with everyone else's problems and not as much time as I should have worrying about myself. I'm finally at a place in my life that I feel as though I'm getting back to the person I once was that was very creative and in love with life. I'm not sure how I lost her, but I think I may have her back again. It feels a little bit more each day I'm coming into my own, and I like it. I'm coming to terms with being the person that I am, no holds barred living my life.
I don't know if I'm finally growing up, or what's gotten into me, but I'm finally able to let go of some relationships that were bad for me emotionally and pick back up some great habits and hobbies that I've lost along the way. I'm happier with my life than I've been in a while and ready to bring that creative side of myself back out into the fore front again. I miss her.
Gradually I think that I'm getting used to being a curvy girl. I have always been fairly confident in this, but moreso lately I'm really accepting that I'm alright just as I am. Although I'll never be a size zero, stick thin supermodel, I've decided that I didn't want to be one anyway.
I've been through a lot in the past couple of years, I've lost both of my parents and went through a lot of changes as a person. Day by day I feel like I'm coming to terms with their loss a bit more than the day before. Its a process though, and before I experienced it I never would have thought it would be this tough, but I'm managing and growing.
I feel like little by little I'm becoming the person that I want to be and not the one that everyone else expects me to be, and I like that.
Final thought about finally being more comfortable in my own skin... It's about time.